The
abuse process
There
are three elements in an abusive relationship, all leading toward
the goal of rendering the victim powerless and dependent:
- Isolation—the
abuser seeks to cut off his victim from her friends, family and outside activities
- Humiliation—the
victim is subjected to incessant and often public criticism
and demeaning comments, in order to convince her that her abuser
is the only person in the world who cares about her, and that
she is unworthy of even his attention
- Domination—having
deprived his victim of her social support and sense of self-worth,
the abuser now provides the only significant relationship in
her life, to the extent that she may even come to believe that
her behavior actually warrants the abuse.
The
cruelty of such a campaign of oppression is not diminished by
the fact that it often stems from the abuser’s own profound insecurity.
Manifestations of that insecurity are sometimes seized
upon by the victim as signs of the abuser’s underlying sensitivity
or vulnerability, and used as justification for remaining in the
relationship.
The
victim bent on justifying her continued presence in the relationship
frequently resorts to the rationalization that “at least he hasn’t
hit me yet.” It is quite
possible that he never will. Emotional and psychological battering, lesser forms of physical
domination or threats of violence may suffice.
Indeed, the girl who resorts to the “he’s never hit me”
argument has almost surely been victimized by these less obvious
but equally destructive techniques.
From
the outset, and at each succeeding stage, there are obvious warning
signs of a potentially abusive relationship:
- Romantic
intensity—In the beginning of the relationship, he seeks
to sweep you off your feet. He establishes a strong rapport with your
family and friends. This provides him potential allies if you
try to end the relationship.
- Dual
Personality—When he is with your friends and family, he
remains charming and friendly. When you’re alone, he becomes caustic and critical of everyone
in your life.
- Jealousy—What
began as flattering attention becomes a campaign to reduce your
contact not only with male friends who might become rivals,
but with your girl friends, school groups, family and any other
distractions from your relationship with him. Some girls find jealousy ‘romantic’.
Jealousy has nothing to do with romance.
It is equivalent to a two-year-old’s refusal to share
a favorite toy.
- Hurtful
criticism—The abuser, who previously professed to admire
your every attribute, turns critical and sarcastic.
Nothing you do pleases him.
He demeans your intelligence, judgment, taste and personality
in the harshest terms—often in the presence of others.
- Control—His
criticism escalates as he seeks to convince you that you can
do nothing and be nothing without him.. He begins to make every decision affecting
the relationship—and your life.. While your best course at this
point would be to walk away, the odds are greatly against you.
Remember, 80 percent of dating abuse victims continue in the
relationship.
- Sexual
pressure—Urging or forcing you to engage in sexual activity
against your judgment and wishes is a certain sign of disrespect
for you. He sees you
not as a person but as a possession, whose value lies in serving
his needs and desires.
All
of this can be achieved by a clever abuser without resort to physical
force. If force is used, it is likely, at the outset, to be limited to
grabbing, shoving or restraining you.
But the almost universal judgment of the experts interviewed
in the course of developing this report
[i]
was that even these actions constitute violence,
and the only safe course for the girl is to get out of the relationship
immediately! To remain in it or, worse still, to return
to it, amounts to an endorsement of the abuser’s behavior, and
will usher in an escalation of the violence.
Only
one authority felt there could be an alternative to ending the
relationship. She expressed the belief that, a teenage boy
not hardened into a chronic abuser might, with proper counseling,
learn to have a healthy dating relationship.
Her suggestion was for the girl to tell the boy that she
would remain in the relationship with him only if he would go
with her to a counselor, and that this was a one-time offer.
She conceded that, without formal counseling, the violent
behavior was likely to continue.
The
obvious question for an objective observer is why a girl would
remain in a relationship that showed signs of turning abusive.
There are a number of reasons:
- Status—there
is a perception among teenagers that a girl with a boyfriend
has more social stature than a girl without one.
The higher the standing of the boy in the teen community,
the greater the conferred status.
- Social
pressure—the abuser may have manipulated the girl’s friends
and parents into holding him in high regard, so that they urge
her to stay in the relationship. If the boy is part of her social circle,
she may worry that her friends will side with him if she breaks
off the relationship. And she will face the prospect of having
to deal with him socially after the relationship ends. If he
enjoys a higher social standing than she does, she may fear
the loss of status resulting from the breakup.
- Role
perceptions—Women are typically presented as society’s nurturers
and peacemakers. A girl
may feel that the responsibility for maintaining the relationship
falls to her—a view the abuser will strongly support for selfish
purposes. If she was
brought up in a male-dominated home, she may accept the subordinate
role her abuser assigns.
- Inexperience—A
girl with little experience in dating may not see the signs
of an abusive relationship in the making, or imagine that she
can deal with it. Since
teenage girls frequently seek to date boys older than themselves,
they may be seriously out of their depth in dealing with a seasoned
abuser.
- An
abusive upbringing—If the girl comes from a home in which
there was abuse, she may consider the behavior normal.
- Romantic
attachment—the girl may truly believe that she loves and
is loved by the abuser. If the relationship cycles between anxiety and happiness, the
girl may feel the abuse is worth enduring.
- Fear—Her
abuser may have threatened her with violence if she seeks to
leave him. Or he may
have implied or openly stated that he would harm himself if
she left. Even in the
absence of overt threats, the girl may read the abuser’s personality
well enough to believe he could be dangerous.
- Empty
promises—The abuser typically raises one of two defenses
when the girl protests his bad behavior: “It was just (the
alcohol, the drugs, my temper) that caused me to do it and I’ll
never do it again,” or “I only did it because I love
you.” The abuser, assuming he’s not a coldly
calculating manipulator, might even be sincere in the first
of these statements, though it is highly unlikely that he will
live up to the promise. The
second, in the context of an incident of abuse, simply makes
no sense. Genuine love and abuse can’t coexist.
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